Everything we have done and everything we will continue to do in this world, is driven by the pursuit of happiness. If you bought a new car, you did it to be happier while you were driving. If you decided to go to the gym, it was to achieve good health which will lead to happiness. Even if you argued with your significant other, you did it to bring up something that you don’t want them to do anymore, so you will have happiness in the future. Everything can be traced back to that primary desire to be happy. With that, there are essentially two ways in which happiness is derived.

Relying on external factors

Think back to the last time you purchased something new for yourself – maybe it was a pair of shoes, maybe it was a car, a shirt, a new phone, or maybe it was a new watch. Felt pretty good right? The moment you wore that new accessory or used that new thing for the first time produced a feeling of happiness and self-worth. You felt good about yourself and it felt good to show it off to your friends. After a while though, that feeling wore off. That sense of happiness and satisfaction were no longer there, and you were left to look for that feeling again elsewhere.

We live in a world full of instant-gratification where it’s normal to constantly seek to gain the approval from others. No matter how extravagant that new thing is though, that feeling will wear off eventually. After a while, when that feeling does wear off, you’re left to do it all over again – seeking that same feeling of self-worth. It may come from another material object, or maybe it will come in the form of a social media post in order to gain the approval from others through likes and comments. This is a never-ending process that can easily become expensive and mentally exhausting to maintain.

This is relying on external factors for happiness. External factors are only temporary.

Now I’m not saying to never buy anything new for yourself, or to never post on social media. If you work hard and have money to spend, spend it. If you want to connect with others through social media, do it. Social media is great if used for the right reasons. But, it’s easy to get caught up in this cycle of instant gratification. Don’t lose sight of what’s truly important.

Looking inward

The other way is to seek happiness from within. Oftentimes, the happiest people are those with the least number of things.

When you are content with yourself just the way you are, you don’t need to seek fulfillment from other people or other things because your happiness does not depend on it. There is a rooted sense of being that cannot be shook and is freeing because it allows you to truly be yourself.

Below are three proven ways to achieve happiness without relying on external factors.

1. Meditation

Take some time to just sit with yourself – no Netflix, no computer, no phone, nothing. Get familiar with yourself. It’s amazing to me how it’s so common for people in society today to seek to numb their problems away and distract themselves by binge watching TV shows, scrolling through Instagram for hours, or living vicariously through celebrities and professional athletes instead of focusing on living out their own dreams and goals.

Begin to understand how the mind works – more specifically, your own mind. You are unique. When you understand how your mind works, you can better understand your thoughts and begin to facilitate them. Meditation is the process of focusing the mind on a particular object, thought or activity – to train attention and awareness, and to achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm state. Meditation has been proven to reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and pain, and also to increase peace, perception, self-concept, and well-being.

While meditation is a great way to organize your thoughts and become familiar with yourself to have a greater sense of clarity, the clarity and calmness will come with time. The first few days or even the first few weeks will probably feel very uncomfortable. But that’s good. Getting out of your comfort zone causes change and change is good. In five years, if your life was exactly the same as it is today, would you be happy? Probably not, so embrace the change.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” 

– Lao Tzu

It all starts with your thoughts, and meditation is a great way to begin to focus on your thoughts. If you improve your thoughts, you improve your life.

Below is a quick 3 minute video describing some of the benefits of meditation.

The Headspace app is also a great resource to get started as there are several guided meditation sessions and programs. I use the app every day and my life has truly been impacted because of it.

2. Live in gratitude

“If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world.

If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation you are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering.

If you can read this message you are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read it at all.”

[Quote from elephant journal]

We’re all guilty of being ungrateful at times, no one is perfect. But when you’re not grateful for what you already have, you’ll always want more. A better car, a bigger house, nicer clothes, etc. When you want more, it’s difficult to be happy.

We all truly have so much to be thankful for. When you realize this and begin to live your life from a position of gratitude, you look at life differently. You no longer expect anything from others and you begin to serve others  unconditionally simply because you’re grateful for what you already do have. Everything you receive and everything you experience thereafter becomes an added bonus because you’re already content just as you are – you don’t need anything else.

A couple great ways to begin living in gratitude are to 1) reflect on a few things that you’re thankful for every morning before you start your day or 2) develop a gratitude journal to make note of things you’re thankful for throughout your day. Maybe you’re simply thankful to be alive; maybe you have poor vision so you’re thankful for glasses to allow you to see; maybe you’re thankful for the food you eat; maybe you’re thankful for the bed you sleep on; maybe you’re thankful for the friends that you have – the list goes on and on.

One of the first things I do every morning is reflect on a few things that I’m thankful for. This gets me to start thinking from a position of gratitude and thus, prepares me to make the most out of the day ahead.

3. The pursuit of a worthwhile goal

Think back to a time you were the happiest.

Maybe for you it was getting accepted into your dream school; maybe it was graduating college; maybe it was scoring the winning touchdown in a football game; maybe it was receiving a promotion at work; maybe it was coaching someone and seeing them make progress; maybe it was acing a big test you were studying for; or maybe it was winning a championship. Whatever that was for you, no matter what that was, it involved accomplishing something, right?

Happiness is only possible when you are in the process of accomplishing a goal. If you know someone that is unhappy, chances are, they are unhappy because they are not in the process of accomplishing a goal.

You should always be in the pursuit of a goal. The only day you should stop pursuing a goal is the day you die.

When it comes to setting goals, it’s important to set goals that will stretch you while, at the same time, are not unrealistic. As defined in Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals by Michael Hyatt, you need to set S.M.A.R.T.E.R. goals, i.e. goals that are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Risky, Time-keyed, Exciting, and Relevant.

Additional reading

Below are some great resources if you’d like to read more on this. With a focus of improving your emotional intelligence and the thoughts that you have each day – both subconscious and conscious – a greater sense of self-worth and happiness are sure to follow.

1. What to Say When You Talk to Your Self
2. The Power of Your Subconscious Mind
3. Emotional Intelligence 2.0

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